Written by Luisa Kos
Table of contents
Understanding grief and loss
If you are struggling with grief, know that support is available. Speaking to a professional can help you process your loss in a way that feels right for you.
How grief affects us
Emotional effects
- Profound sadness, emptiness, or despair
- Anger, irritability, or resentment (towards others, oneself, or even the person lost)
- Anxiety, fear, or uncertainty about the future
- Guilt and self-blame (“Could I have done something differently?”)
- Relief (especially after a long illness or a difficult relationship)
- Numbness or detachment from emotions
Cognitive and behavioural effects
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
- Forgetfulness or brain fog
- Restlessness or feeling constantly “on edge”
- Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
- Withdrawal from social connections
Physical effects
- Fatigue and exhaustion
- Aches and pains without a clear medical cause
- Digestive issues
- Weakened immune system
- Chest tightness or shortness of breath (common in intense grief)
Grief can also resurface at unexpected times—even years later. Anniversaries, birthdays, places, or even certain songs can bring back strong emotions. This is a normal part of the healing process.
The grief process: Is there a right way to grieve?
Many people are familiar with the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but in reality, grief is not linear. It does not follow a predictable timeline. You may cycle through different emotions, feel “better” one day, and struggle the next.
Some experts describe grief as coming in waves—at first, the waves are constant and overwhelming, but over time, they become less frequent, even though they never fully disappear.
There is no set timeline for healing. Some people start to adjust within weeks or months, while others may take years to come to terms with their loss. Grief is not about “getting over it” but learning to live with it in a way that allows you to move forward while still honouring what you have lost.
Grief and relationships: The impact on those around you
Grief not only affects the individual but also their relationships. Some people withdraw from friends and family, while others seek connection and reassurance. It is common to experience:
- Frustration with loved ones who don’t seem to understand your grief
- Changes in communication styles (some people need to talk about their grief, while others prefer to process it internally)
- Conflicts arising from different ways of mourning within a family or community
- Feeling distant from friends or a partner due to the intensity of grief
If you are struggling to navigate grief within your relationships, therapy can help you express your needs and rebuild connections.
How to cope with grief
While there is no quick fix for grief, certain strategies can help:
1. Allow yourself to grieve in your own way
There is no single “right” way to process loss. Some people cry a lot, while others don’t cry at all. Some people need to talk, while others prefer solitude. However grief unfolds for you, it is valid.
2. Seek support
You don’t have to go through grief alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or support groups. Talking to a therapist can be especially helpful if your grief feels overwhelming or stuck.
3. Take care of your body
Grief can be physically exhausting. Try to prioritise:
- Sleep (even if it’s disrupted, aim for rest)
- Nutrition (eating small, nourishing meals can help)
- Movement (gentle exercise like walking can be grounding)
4. Honour your loss in meaningful ways
- Write a letter to the person or situation you’ve lost
- Create a memory book, journal, or art piece
- Light a candle or visit a meaningful place
5. Give yourself time and patience
Healing takes time. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. The goal is not to “move on” but to find a way to live with grief that allows you to keep moving forward.
When to seek professional help
Grief is natural, but sometimes it can become overwhelming, prolonged, or interfere with daily life. You might benefit from therapy if:
- Your grief feels stuck or unbearable after a long period
- You struggle to function in daily life (work, relationships, self-care)
- You experience persistent guilt or self-blame
- You feel disconnected from the world around you
- You have intrusive thoughts about death or hopelessness
Therapists who specialise in grief can provide support, tools, and guidance to help you navigate your loss in a way that is meaningful to you.
Grief doesn’t hit us in tidy phases and stages, nor is it something that we forget and move on from; it is an individual process that has a momentum of its own, and the work involves finding ways of coping with our fear and pain, and also adjusting to this new version of ourselves, our “new normal.”
Find a specialist
Finding the right therapist to support you through grief is a personal process. Start by looking for specialists in grief, bereavement, or loss counselling, as they will have experience in helping people navigate the emotional, psychological, and relational challenges of grief. Consider whether you prefer in-person or online therapy, as well as the therapist’s approach—some may use talk therapy, mindfulness, or structured grief models, while others offer a more open-ended, client-led style. It’s also important to check their qualifications, experience, and accreditation with professional bodies like the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) or UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy). A good therapist should make you feel heard, validated, and supported rather than rushed through the process. Many therapists offer an initial consultation—use this time to see if their style and personality feel like a good fit for you. If it doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and keep looking; the right support can make all the difference.
Therapists who can help with grief and loss
Luisa Kos
I am a psychodynamic psychotherapist trained at WPF and Tavistock Relationships, and a registered member of the BACP. Since qualifying in 2015, I have worked with both couples and individuals in South London, offering short and long-term therapy in person and online. I founded Dulwich Psychotherapy and South London Therapy Group, where I run a private practice and manage therapy rooms that host a community of around 20 practitioners. Before retraining, I spent 15 years in advertising and publishing, holding senior roles in user experience in New York and London, which gives me a unique perspective on the challenges of high-pressure professional environments.
Julie Smith
I trained in psychodynamic psychotherapy and have several years’ experience working with adults in both private practice and charitable settings in London. My background includes supporting clients with anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties, low self-esteem, family conflict, and life transitions.
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