For almost four years, I have worked at SurvivorsUK, a charity providing emotional and practical support to male, trans and non-binary survivors of sexual violence. During this time, I have met men who have come to therapy for the first time in their 60s, survivors who had never told anyone about their experiences of abuse, and men who had been made to believe that it was not possible for them to be victims.
Throughout my professional career, I have worked with survivors of domestic and sexual abuse of all genders. Survivors can experience shame, fear and many other barriers to disclosing what has happened to them, and this is true for any survivor. My intention is not to diminish the experiences of female survivors. However, it is important to recognise how gender can intersect with experiences of sexual violence, and to understand some of the particular stigma and barriers that male survivors may face.
The majority of male survivors will never tell anyone about their experience of abuse. For those who do, it can take an average of 26 years to do so. This is a huge amount of time to be living with their experiences, internalising them, feeling alone and unable to access support.
Therapy can be an important source of support, but there can be many reasons why men do not feel able to seek it.
Why can it be difficult for men to disclose abuse or come to therapy?
“Boys don’t cry”
Many of the men I have worked with have learned from a young age that they should be strong, that they should not cry, and that their role is to protect others. They may never have had spaces where they felt able to be vulnerable or were encouraged to express their emotions.
This can leave someone feeling that therapy is not an option, or that it is simply not “for them”. The idea of talking about feelings can feel unfamiliar, frightening or overwhelming. Some men may worry that they will not know what to say or how to talk about what they have experienced.
“Men can’t be victims”
Men can be made to feel that it is not possible for them to be victims, because men are expected to be strong and capable of protecting themselves. This can leave survivors questioning their own experiences or feeling guilty that they were unable to stop what happened.
The expectation that men are perpetrators
There can be a tendency within society to see women as victims and men as perpetrators. For male survivors, this can create a fear that they will not be believed, understood or seen as victims. For men who have been abused by women, this can create additional layers of shame and confusion around their experiences.
Messages for male survivors
Men can be victims and survivors
Anyone can experience sexual violence, regardless of gender or sexuality.
What happened to you does not make you any less of a man. You were not responsible for preventing the abuse. The only person who is responsible for what happened is the perpetrator.
You may have responded in ways that you now question or find difficult to understand. Those responses do not make you responsible for what happened.
You are not alone
Although it might feel like you are alone, you are not. It is estimated that 1 in 6 men have had unwanted sexual experiences in their lifetime, meaning that the scale of sexual violence against men is much greater than many people realise, even though many experiences remain unspoken.
You deserve support
You do not have to suffer in silence, and you deserve access to support just as much as anyone else.
There are specialist organisations such as SurvivorsUK and therapists who understand the experiences of male survivors. You do not have to be ready to tell your whole story before seeking help, and you do not have to have all the answers about what happened to you.
What can therapy offer?
Therapy can provide a space to begin processing what you have been through, and to develop a greater understanding of yourself and your experiences.
Therapy should be a space where you are listened to without judgement and where you are supported to feel safe enough to explore what you have experienced. You should never feel pressured to disclose anything before you are ready.
If you have experienced sexual violence and are considering therapy, you do not have to wait until you feel completely ready. Sometimes, simply starting a conversation can be the first step towards no longer carrying everything alone.
Where to find support
If anything here has affected you, support is available now.
- SurvivorsUK supports male and non-binary survivors of sexual violence. Helpline 0808 801 0332, or text and WhatsApp on 07860 031252. Webchat and current opening hours are at survivorsuk.org.
- 1 in 6 UK has information and resources for men with unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, at 1in6.uk.
- If you are in immediate danger, call 999.
You can also search verified, independent UK therapists by location, specialism and approach on The Therapist Finder, including therapists who work with sexual violence and abuse.
Sources
- Average time to disclosure: Male Survivors Partnership survey.
- 1 in 6 men figure: 1 in 6 UK.
By Karis Hanson. View profile.
