Christmas has a way of announcing who is missing. The shops fill up, the adverts show full tables, people ask what you are doing for the holidays, and all of it lands differently when someone you love has died.
If this is your first Christmas without your mum, your dad, a partner, a child or a close friend, you may be dreading it already. You may also feel guilty for dreading it, or for the moments when you forget for an hour and laugh at something on the television.
None of this means you are grieving badly. It means Christmas is one of the hardest parts of the year to grieve through, and you are in the middle of it. This guide sets out why the season hits so hard, some practical ways to get through it, and when it might help to talk to someone.
Why Grief Feels Sharper at Christmas
The season is built around the people we love
Most of the year, grief can be held at a slight distance by routine. Work, school runs and errands give the day a shape. Christmas removes that shape and replaces it with traditions, many of which were shared with the person who has died. The empty chair, the stocking nobody fills, the phone call you would usually make on Christmas morning, all of these are reminders that arrive on a schedule you cannot avoid.
Everyone else seems to be celebrating
Grief tends to make people feel out of step with the world. At Christmas that gap widens. Friends and colleagues are tired but cheerful, and there is an unspoken expectation to join in. Many bereaved people describe feeling as though they are watching the season through a window.
Families grieve differently
One person wants to keep every tradition exactly as it was. Another cannot face the usual table. A third wants to go away entirely. These differences are normal, but at Christmas they collide, and small disagreements about plans can carry the weight of the loss underneath them.
Practical Ways to Get Through the First Christmas
There is no right way to do this, and what helps one person will feel wrong to another. These are suggestions, not rules.
1. Decide what you can manage, then tell people
You do not have to attend everything. It is fine to go to one gathering and skip the rest, to leave early, or to stay at home. Letting people know in advance, briefly and without long explanations, saves you from having to decide on the spot when you are already tired.
2. Keep, change or pause traditions on purpose
Some families find comfort in doing everything the same way. Others find that unbearable this year and prefer something new, such as a walk instead of a big lunch, or a different house, or a meal out. Whatever you choose, it helps to choose it rather than drift into it. Nothing has to be permanent. A tradition paused this year can come back next year.
3. Make room for the person who has died
Many people find it easier when the loss is acknowledged rather than avoided. That might be lighting a candle at the table, hanging a decoration that belonged to them, cooking their recipe, or simply saying their name and sharing a story. Others around you may be waiting for permission to mention them too.
4. Plan for the hardest moments
For many people the hardest part is not Christmas Day itself but the build-up, or the flat days between Christmas and New Year. If you know a particular moment will be painful, such as opening presents or the first evening alone afterwards, it helps to plan something for straight after. A walk, a phone call with a friend, or an hour on your own, whichever you need.
5. Look after the basics
Grief is physically tiring. Sleep, food and fresh air matter more than usual, and alcohol tends to make low moods lower the next day. This is not about being disciplined. It is about giving yourself a slightly better chance of getting through the week.
6. Let people help, and be specific
Friends often want to help but do not know how. “Could you ring me on Boxing Day?” or “Can I come to yours for an hour on Christmas Eve?” is easier for them to say yes to than a general offer to be there.
If You Are Spending Christmas Alone
Being on your own after a bereavement can feel very different from choosing to spend a quiet day by yourself. If you are facing Christmas alone, it can help to have a rough plan for the day, with a few fixed points, such as a walk, a call, a film you have chosen, and a meal you actually want to eat.
Some local churches, community centres and charities run open lunches or drop-ins over Christmas. Bereavement support groups can also be a good place to be with people who understand, without having to explain yourself. If you are in London, Bereavement Finder lists bereavement support groups borough by borough, and there are also groups that meet online.
If the loneliness becomes overwhelming, Samaritans answer calls 24 hours a day, every day of the year, on 116 123. Cruse Bereavement Support runs a free helpline on 0808 808 1677, and their website lists opening hours over the holidays.
When Grief Feels Too Heavy to Carry Alone
Grief is not an illness, and most people do not need therapy to grieve. But there are times when talking to a qualified professional makes a real difference.
Signs it may be worth speaking to someone
It may help to talk to a bereavement counsellor or psychotherapist if:
- months have passed and the pain feels no less intense, or you feel stuck
- you are struggling to work, sleep or look after yourself
- the death was sudden, traumatic, or involved suicide
- the relationship was complicated, and you are left with anger, guilt or things unsaid
- you feel you have to hold everything together for others and have nowhere to put your own grief
- an older loss has resurfaced alongside a new one
What bereavement therapy can and cannot do
Therapy will not take the grief away, and a good therapist will not try to hurry you through it. What it offers is a regular, protected space to say things you may not feel able to say to family or friends, to make sense of the relationship you have lost, and to find a way of carrying it. Some people come for a few sessions around an anniversary. Others stay longer, particularly when a loss has stirred up older experiences.
If you feel you are in crisis, or worried about your safety, speak to your GP, call NHS 111 and choose the mental health option, or see the NHS guide to urgent mental health help. You can read more about grief and bereavement on the NHS website and from Mind.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel worse at Christmas than straight after the death?
Yes. In the early weeks many people are carried by shock and practical tasks. By the time Christmas arrives, the reality has often settled in, and the season brings it into sharp focus. Feeling worse months later is common and does not mean something has gone wrong.
Is it wrong to enjoy parts of Christmas while grieving?
No. Moments of enjoyment do not mean you have stopped caring or that you are forgetting the person. Grief and ordinary life sit side by side, often in the same afternoon.
Should we cancel Christmas this year?
Some families do, and that is a reasonable choice. Others find a scaled-down or different Christmas easier than cancelling altogether. It is worth talking it through together, including with children, rather than one person deciding for everyone.
Do therapists work over Christmas?
Many independent therapists take a break of a week or two over Christmas and New Year, though some keep a few sessions available. If you want support in place before or straight after the holidays, it helps to get in touch in November or early December.
Finding a Bereavement Therapist
If you would like to talk to someone, The Therapist Finder lists qualified, registered independent therapists across London and the UK, many of whom work with grief and loss, in person and online. Every profile is checked before it goes live, so you can be confident the therapist you contact is properly trained and registered with a recognised professional body.
You can browse grief counsellors in London, read about bereavement therapy in London, or search the directory by location, approach and availability. There is no need to know exactly what you are looking for. Reading a few profiles and sending a short message is a perfectly good place to start.
